trainwrechone

First off i would like to apologize for any outlandish and downright dellusional behaviour on my part on the 22nd of june. I would like everyone to know that after that evening i realised what i had to do as a man. I turned myself into the authorities after a) ditchingmy shoes in front of someones house by allandale church, and b) ditching my 25 dollar "hot" haro 20 inch in back of hope chapel.
If anyone has seen it by the way, please contact me immediatley. either at texas_hardcore@yahoo.com or on myspace or here, unforunatley i do not have the capability of connecting my phone but that will change after i get my check from amy's, lord willing i have one there.
I was arrested on June 23rd at 8:30 am, in the back yard of tomeones house after hiding under a drainage ditch on arroyo secco. i was booked on a bench warrant for a baond forfieture misdemeanor graffiti case. I stayed in central booking for two days on my own request in a solitary cell, and yes i was barefoot and flipping out. I was hallucinating for three days straight after consuming half a pill of blue heroin based MDMA, my condition was also exemplified by the incessant bike riding i participated in as well as the fasting and sleep deprivation. In jail i was still hallucinating even after being transfered to del valle after being deemed compatent. I did not sleep more than two hours a day for the first two weeks, no joke, dead serious. I was obsessing over the spiritual contact i was recieving from broken and abused individuals, and every cell i was in was a breeding ground for disease, and the toilets were full of vomit from crack delaers who were attempting to get back ther rocks. ugh, i can still smell that nasty ass stench.
I was placed in medical lock down for the entire three weeks i was incacerated. It will comfort all of you to know that i have been absolved entirely of the graffiti charge. My assault from two years ago is now probated to a year, no fines, 60 hours of community service, and of course the 60 dollars a month for probation fees. I must also add that the judge has offered to place me in a specail program in which i wil pay off court costs and probate fees by counseling individuals on thier cases at the del valle correctional complex or downtown at the ARCH. This is wonderufl, because i will be able to put this on an application for scholarship and acceptance to the universty of texas or any other surrounding college. My next goal is to be accpeted to one of the central texas universities by admiting an entire thesis on the current state of Texas' treamtent of mental health patients in correctional facilities such as del valle, and TDC as well as other correctional units. It will also oputline a formula for change and point out grievences that i personally experienced as well as other "case studies" while i was locked up.

Lord willing this will get me accpeted into a psychological college without have ing to finish "my time" at ACC, where i am now sitting using the free internet, JOY!! I hate this place, great eductional capabilites but absolutely no clout in the real world. Anyone Can Come, blehg.

Anyhow, its going to be a daunting challenge to complete this research without getting a grade but its imperative that i do this, i know taking the typical route is just not my style.

Anyhow i have to leave, im due in court to recieve my total costs to the state of texas, and recieve a probation officer, i also have to go visit my attorney's firm who is going to set me up with a long list of fringe benifits, jealous???? You will be after i list my eligibility here as a mental health convict...

-Social Security Income, on a monthly basis up to a grand, for disability

-Section 8 housing, no not the projects, subsudisied housing for the minoriteis, yes mental helath convicts as well, that means ill pay 100 dollars for rent on a 2bedroom 2bath apartment my choice, even a place like riatta...

-Monthly food stamps, yeah free groceries, thank god for socailism

-free drugs from texas MHMR

-scholarships for schooling...

the list is almost endless here but those are what i will be applying for and there is a gauranteed yes on all of them because of my mental health status, yeah yer real jealous now but i aint flasifying anything i really am debilitated, god i love my amerikkkan drug culture, whats a war on drugs if you cant be eligible for the draft!?!?!?

Aight,
peace and love and god bless all of you.

daniel c. sullivan


oh yeah in my crazy state of flipping out i deleted everyones number by destroying my sim card

please send me your AIM names, if you care to talk to me, and your emails, AND your phone mumbers... via email


texas_hardcore@yahoo.com

I realized i need a good cry. So im thinking about my only lost love that i STILL can not get rid of. She still haunts me even in relations with new beautiful people not as beautiful as her, never and god you made my perfect match i hope and god i still love you, and her.

CAN YOU HEAR ME I FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT IT STILL!!!!!!

Why did she say that she loved me and then stopped talking to me. Cold turkey, like i was a bad habit. But this habit isnt going to die, and god you know if i was to die hard i would have done it myself!!! how can we not be forgiven when christ walked amongst thieves and whores. Why do the youth over look the wisdom, and think we are better. IT is such a lie to know that i know something, even love. All i do know is that i know nothing and when it rains it poors, so let my tears fall as though a thundercloud is opening up, and washing it all away. Thats why i cry to wash it all away in the salt, in the sorrow. God i pray that one day shell believe in me again, and we can spend an eternity, shes all i ever wanted and i threw it away, like worthless shit. My tears flowed, now and again i want more.

A bear lost in your woods...

Now i lay me down to sleep and pray lord god,
hold on to my life to keep.

In all my life i know i threw love away,
And now i cry and help me is all i can say.

In all my life she was my strengths,
bear i love you till all lengths.

I still write your name,
Even in my darkest shame.

Will you save me again,
from my whorrible self sin?

If i say im sorry 70 times 70,
can you find it in your heart to forgive me...

I just want to start it all over,
red rover red rover let my love come over.

We have taken your shit long enough, laid down and died for your energy crisis, your oil lust and greed. Your family is not our central unit, its not the streets of LA or NYC or ATX, but you seem to think you are the only one that exists. We are the people standing and swaying, but we are sick. Sick with the ability to crush the current system and destroy the status quo. That status quo is to lay down and die when times are tough. Well here we are, the streets are rough. Asphalt born and we walk in broken shoes knowing and impoverished, mentally and physically. You got us fat on freedom but its just an incendiary(inflaming) for us to hate our selves more. Your lust for vanity, to insure that we are insecure always doubting ourselves, with your MTV fashion-core generation. Lets make our previous street cultures a contest. Hiphop; how much money do you have? and how many bitches are you fucking, pimpin?? Punk rock girls; how many guys are you playing, and how many of them buy you drinks in the bar at the next good charlotte show, look at your tattoos with no meaning, and your identity crisis with piercing you couldnt fathom the real meaning of pain. Shake that booty to the hiphop people have died for, and pucnh emo kids to the hardcore we beat racists to, but you know nothing of the powers that be, and i do not mean those in current position. Im talkin' ' bout us, our community, lets embrace our differences and be the next generation to kill and prosper. An age old concept of the hunt and the kill and then we feast, knowing we have been productive. We will all come together to destroy the establishment, crush the system, challenge the status qou and proliferate real creation. Who is with U.S.?!?!?!

So today i woke up with a headache, stress related, and yes its my own fault. Last night my heart was in pain, my mother told me that when you are stressed the linning around it will swell up, making you feel as though you are having a heart attack. I know this is my own fault, all my stress and lack of faith in me, myself, and i, and god, and those that are around me. Everything always seems to fall right apart before they get better. Im so foolish to think that everything is okay, to not be humble, when its not, when im not, when its all falling to pieces. Reality is as follows, im dying, and living everyday, and those that are constantly dying around me on a regular basis, lost in thought, in thier self drudgery, fail and try to remove me because the truth is i only speak the truth. I only sell you things you can use. I only speak on ideals that work, that have worked for hundreds of years. So why do we hurt the strongest or attempt to point out the weakest by castigating them?? Why not question everything, why cant any of us do the exact opposite of what is the status quo, your punk rock your hiphop, your faith in a dying nation, in a system that is decaying and not living at all. Amerika you made me sad today, and yesterday and all my life. Austin you broke my heart again, you broke it all the way down, you broke me down. I circled the target parking lot by the street that the power company lied to me and siad there was work being done but there was no evidence of such. I circled that parking lot on my bike, yeah the one i bought for 25 freaking dollars of someone as impoverished as me. I circled the parking lot barefoot, and no shirt, with a bottle of water in my back pocket. I circled the parking lot crying, balling, uncontrollably repenting for the things i had done then for the things that my community has done. My heart hurts, it swells with pain for my failing peoples, failing me failing our father. Stop us from killing ourselves before we kill you too.

I suppose the lack of intrest angers me but again not really. Greenblet was fresh, i copped on some grapes of wrath from the sun on the way into town. Hung with jesus christ at kelly's house, watched that show known only as the guy of families, then, i went to find someone special and she wasnt home but two other good friends were. We smoked the pot and drank the wine. We talked of philosophies and the nonviolent sector as well as what crew really means. Then we headed towards the ole' peddal pushers, i rode all the way down there but there was no room for me so i decided to just go to the drag. I found this half ass hooker wannabe walking around so i decided to harass her, she got nervous and walked her ugly ass home, good,a hooker on the drag??? Who knows, itsa wierd fucking place, but i find it so comical to hang around metro sometimes. Anyhow i got to get going, not that anyone reads this shit anyhow.

So last night was a beautiful thing. Thank you carib for that wonderful hookup. It seemed that everything worked out wonderful, we had the proper representation and our host andrew was pleased with the crowd. Can you believe four kegs lasted until 3am. Can you believe there was only one incident where a fight might have broken out. Well i have to step back and say that ian needs to cool it, in fact alot of people do, with that thuggish shit. Specially on the sauce. Austin, i have to say your drinking is getting out of hand, your attitude is pissing me off at times but we have great things to accomplish this year and next year. One of those things that makes you feel really good inside is to hear someone tell you "they have faith in you". To also know that some of our friends have the exact outlook that ive been on for months now. God is doing wonderful things in our community right now, and to all of you who read this, just know that. Im filled with the joy of christs love for everyone even the haters. On another note i got meself a partner here for the gallery and im about to getinto the detailed working of how things are going to pan out... things are looking up my good friends, even for my enemies.

So it seems, that im here for more than you can want. And so it seems that im more apart of anyones life than they know. But i dont care because god put me here for a reason. More than any of you will ever understand. You are all lost and i tried to be the light. I tried to understand, your problems but my time is worthless to you, all of you. So let me say this, my blood runs thicker than water, than the alcohol you drink. So fuck off, all of you, every last one of you. Dont cry to me with your pain, deal with it. Because i did it on my own but no one wants to see that, and no one wants to know. So suffer, all of you becaue god is all that i have, so suffer. I dont want you and i dont want to know you exist anymore. God and i will do what we have to do beyond you and your disgusting self apathy. Im here and you all shunned me and acted as though my wisdom was nothing, so hurt me again and this last time i wont turn the other cheek...

Desolation is a wrod I have used many times in my writings. In fact ive seemed to redefine its meaning and in a new sense put it behind me. Now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep... I mean it, and i also know it. So long as its behind me above me and all around me i will never walk alone again. You see kierkeggard recently affirmed my beliefe that you are your own person regardless of your surroundings, that we will affirm that man is meaningless in his first step to accomplishment. In examples, one could find a walk through a terrible nieghborhood comforting in the realm of understanding that everyone hurts, that we are nothing even to someone lesser than you. We all have pain, our realm of existence collides and now i know why im here. To be alone. And to know that i will always be this way is my exestintialist acceptance, my realm, my view. Not so much a narrow scope or even a scope of view period. My eyes will always stay open in seeing that everyone will fail you, that even you will fail you. For the record i said that you must sacrifice the past to bleed the future and it is also to my understanding that i plant the seeds and it is all that i can do. So heres my introspection for the day, my wisdom, to myself to know that you failed me, for now. Intern they will all fail me because it is the belief that I am soveriegn, i am nothing.

This one goes out to someone none of you know. To them gangs, them ladies, those kids kicking and punching in the front of the crowd. To everytime God sends you someone in your life you have no idea why they are there. To Nicole, to Joseph, to craig, to seven, to bees, to doug, to stevo, to victor, to eddie, to jesse. This is for you. To kristen and nick, for my wisdom. To those that thought i was deep in the dirt. Do those who thought i couldnt back it up, and crush it all, system included. To christ, to god, and the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with, i still dont know who you are and you have no idea who i am. Can we change this system? Can we do it all over again. The blood shed, the suffering, the pain, and all the things we werent suppossed to do. Dave, krieggard is alive in all of us punks. Hip hop kids. We are here, god, and im still ahving to stand in front. Im sorry if i forgot yourname but you know who you are, especially the godsent ones. Dont forsake me because i wont do it to you. Now i lay me down to sleep as they put my brothers and sisters in places we shouldnt be...

Dear sisters and brothers,

We went through hell and back, I know, all of us did. My first memories, of exploitation and destruction, that evil inside all of us. It came out that day, everyday, no day. My sorrow is a burden, my pain is a vice, my heart is broken again and again, small shattering, splintering pieces. For what we did to each other for what you did to me, for what lugnuts did to us all. For trust broken and destroyed, shit upon and shoveled into an early grave. Who will love us now, I know I was so alone, I put my ear to my grave. I heard my soul screaming, dying, I heard no one around, buried alive and suffering in vain. This disease, in me, its contagious its all over me. It portruded from my skin, from my mouth from my hands to your hands and infected you, my sister, my kin, my blood. What disease though, not one that any devices and designs that man can replenish or heal, not in time not by power or greed. Its wrong, all of it. Its not our fault entirely. Its mine, I did it all single handly. No its not true, is it that god is your strength in change and being pure, so then is it the devil who is your strength in being just the opposite. then its free will and what side you choose and it is my fault, all of it. For opening the box the devil sent to me. He carefully placed it in my narrow path, blocking my view, I opened the door walked in then I opened the top after I picked the lock. To smart for my own good. My sisters, we are all to smart for our own good when the time and place is right. The fallacy that disgusting putrid being has tried to bring us down. Nooooooooooooo! Nooooooooooo! This time he will not win, not against me, and not suceed in taking me apart again. God put the pieces back toghther, please god put them back together, please god save me again. My blood I will shed, all of it, for my sisters, for my brothers, let it pour out upon the baren earth, this wasteland that man has squandered and pilaged for centuries. This disgusting lust for pain, for blood, for evil, for mailce, for sex and destruction and violence. All that amerika seems to identify with, and embrace, so its what they become. It is what we have all become. Now I lay my life down upon the green earth in feilds of prosperity. Where christ shed his blood, and was upon a cross, dying day after day, year after year, century afer century. Do you get it. He cries for us, and now I cry for us. There he left his cross for me, bloody and bruised, and there he became the holy ghost. SoI picked it up again and I, no we carried it. All our lives and now I embrace christ so i may become him. So we may become him, my father who is my creator, I love you now and forever, and I will never leave or forsake you. Please bring salvation forth to my grave, so I may rise from the dead cold and calloused person I have become. Please raise my brothers and sisters from the dead.